I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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