I wish my penis had an off switch
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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