just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
