saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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