if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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