I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
