Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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