just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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