fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
