I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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