You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
