I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
