Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
