she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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