My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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