Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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