I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
