I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
