dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
