Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
