I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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