Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
