I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
