I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
