Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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