my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
