6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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