Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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