How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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