Pants 0. Shit 1.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
