names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
