from now on my penis is your penis
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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