I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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