Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
