Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
