Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
