'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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