If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
