wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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