I need to stop coming to work sober
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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