Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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