I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
