I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
