If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
