There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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