stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
