I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
