my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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