I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
