I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
